


Mocktoberfest

by chaya



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Drinking, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Heist, M/M, Surprise Marxist Speeches, Undercover as a Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-05 13:31:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15171758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaya/pseuds/chaya
Summary: Sometimes, to get a job done, you have to go to a banquet and pretend you're fancy people in love.





	1. Chapter 1

When it comes to Rexxentraum, Caleb seems to have a different set of rules for himself. He’s got a bone to pick with the establishment there, or maybe a whole underground network of catacombs to pick… it wasn’t really clear and nobody was really pushing him on it. They were already there to shake things up and usurp some people, and Caleb’s extra enthusiasm and inside knowledge has proven helpful several times over.

“So if the prince isn’t going to be at the banquet,” Fjord points out, “we have an opportunity to take that role.”

“You mean, dress up as him and make a scene at the banquet?” Jester’s eyes widen in hope.

“I was thinkin’, yeah.” Fjord shrugs. “I can use magic to make myself look human, but I could only fake a Zemnian accent, not the  _language_ , so…”

“I could pretend to be him,” Caleb says with a shrug. “He has been off at this boarding school for assholes until this week; nobody has seen him since he was a kid.”

Beau raises her hand. “But how does that make a scene? Everyone’s  _expecting_ him to be there. We’re the only ones that know he isn’t going.”

“They’re expecting him there with his  _date,_ who could be Jester.  _Instant_  attention and outrage.” Molly turns to Jester. “No offense, darling. You’d be a perfect date for a prince in a region that isn’t so obsessed with human purity.”

“None taken,” Jester says smugly. “I know I’m cute.”

Caleb’s shaking his head though. “No?” Molly asks, hands gesturing to Jester’s horns, skin, and then tail, which she flicks menacingly while making a fanged snarling face. “Demon blood? Impure? Scandal?”

“ _You_ ,” Caleb says, pointing at Molly and grinning at the very idea. “You are even  _worse_.”

Molly stands up straight, eyes wide as it dawns on him. “I  _am_  worse.”

Beau snorts. “This is getting better and better.”

“No, it’s  _amazing_.” Molly grabs Caleb’s shoulder with urgency. “Caleb. The floozy that was picked to piss off the entire party? With the sugar daddy prince boyfriend? In a room of tiefling-hating people in stupid hats?  _I was born for this role._ ”

Yasha clears her throat. “I don’t mean this in a cruel way, but the prince has brown hair, and he’s definitely got to look…” She gestures awkwardly in a way that definitely means ‘froofy’.

Caleb waves his hand, unbothered, which shocks the others. “We still have lots of gold from the last job. A haircut and one nice set of robes should not be so bad.”

“And a henna dye job,” Molly adds.

“And a bath,” Jester tacks on.

“Yes, and both of those things.” Caleb shrugs. “Honestly, Molly, what you are wearing right now is fine. If I tell everyone I picked you up from a circus… I cannot think of a better and more upsetting story, actually.”

Molly’s eyes are shut. Jester pokes him. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m silently blessing the Moonweaver,” he answers solemnly.

“You’ll also need jewelry,” Nott remarks. “Nobody with money is caught dead without jewelry in this city.”

“You  _would_  notice that,” Fjord notes fondly.

“A makeover,” Molly’s singsonging, leaning for the bottle of wine and pouring a generous amount in his glass. “This awful town is the  _best_  awful town.”


	2. Chapter 2

Perhaps the best part of the entire thing is that they never  _technically_  have to lie. 

Caleb gets his hair dyed a beautiful mahogany, which  _mostly_  takes, leaving him some auburn low-lights that Molly insists look fantastic. Then it’s a nice gold plated circlet and more jewelry to the tune of thick bracelets and heavy rings.

The look can  _technically_  could be worn by anyone with enough money to wear them; royalty wouldn’t wear official jewels or markings to a banquet like this, so Caleb will conveniently find a vacant space at the front that he simply didn’t know was reserved for someone. If they get caught, they’re out-of-towners who heard about the festival and came to drink.

Beau is the only one with an appearance suitable for ‘front of the house’, but she doesn’t speak Zemnian, so they end up putting her in the kitchens. Fjord and Jester will work as lookouts for Nott when she breaks in to the guardhouse not far from the celebration.

Yasha, surprising nobody, landed a job in security.

**

“Du bist hübsch,” Molly practices in the tailor’s, cringing and laughing when Caleb puts his hands over his mouth and giggles. “That bad?”

“What is he saying, what is he saying?” Jester pokes Caleb’s shoulder.

“He is saying I’m cute,” Caleb explains. "I tried to teach him to call me handsome, but he refused.”

“He’s  _cute_ ,” Molly insists, gesturing to Caleb and then reaching out to fan his new haircut out. “Jester, tell me I’m right.”

“He is…” She squints at Caleb, finally smiling broadly. “Both.”

“I may have to dump you and take  _her_ after the banquet,” Caleb warns. Molly pouts and gets to his feet, walking toward the display of scarves. “Liebling! I didn’t mean it!”

**

Molly ends up with one  _extremely_  golden scarf to add to his outfit, along with the stacked bracelets he’d already picked out. Caleb buys a dark set of robes with deep purple trim, which compliments Molly’s skin tone pretty nicely.

“The boots are very nice, I might keep the boots.” Caleb stands on his tip-toes, then falls back on his heels several times.

“Because they don’t have holes in them,” Nott points out, “like the ones you usually wear.” She fusses over the ornate knot at his belt, then his laces. “Are you feeling up for this? It’s not even sundown yet, and Fjord and I could hear the commotion from the fishing district.”

Caleb smiles warmly. “Anything to take down these fuckers.”

**

Caleb walks in with Mollymauk’s hand on his arm. They smile blandly as they move through the tables, towards the center, and when they find a table to their liking Caleb slides Molly’s coat off his shoulders for him, handing it to a passing server before pulling Molly’s chair out for him.

The live music doesn’t quite survive this. One of the violinists is several notes behind, and the flutist has stopped entirely.

“Thank you, darling,” Mollymauk coos as he tips his head up in request. Caleb obliges, bending at the waist just enough to give a small peck to his forehead. Molly beams at him as he takes his own seat.

The chatter around them drops to about half. Caleb pretends to mistake it for simple excitement at seeing him. “Guten Abend, zusammen!” He raises a hand for a toast. Obediently, people begin to murmur agreement, raising their glasses and tankards. Caleb smiles from ear to ear.

“We’re the belles of the ball,” Molly says.

“You’re stealing the show, darling.” Caleb lays a hand across Molly’s shoulders to finger the gold stitching in the new scarf. “Nobody’s looking at me.”

Molly beams and lays his head back on Caleb’s arm. “ _Charmer._ ”

**

Once they get settled and the party more or less resumes, they have time to admire the scenery. The large town bell, which the tables are all arranged around, has been polished to a mirror finish and is surrounded by ribbon-wound baskets of fruit and wooden toys. Large sail shades in different colors are lit by the torches, and the men and women carrying platters are bedecked in bracelets, necklaces, and crowns all made out of local blooming flowers. Molly beckons over a young girl with a water jug, whispering in her ear and handing her what Caleb is pretty sure are several silver pieces. When she comes back later, it’s with an adult-sized crown made of enormous orange lilies.

“I’m  _festive_ ,” Molly declares, arranging it in his horns.

Caleb looks pleased as punch. “Those are for the help,” he informs him. “You are intentionally making yourself look like you are working class. Everything you do is gold.”

**

“Cay, darling, this sausage.”

“Hmm?” Caleb looks over and peeks at Molly’s plate. “Is it cold?”

“No, it’s  _pink_.” Molly pouts and nudges it with his fork. “Is it raw?”

“Nein, Liebling, it just looks a little different.” Struck with sudden inspiration, he grabs his own fork and knife. Caleb can see that Molly is holding still and looking neutral as Caleb cuts his food for him, but underneath the table, Molly’s tail is lashing back in forth in laughter, smacking the back of Caleb’s calf. “Ahh,” he prompts, mouth open.

“Ahh,” Molly says back, and opens his mouth for a small bite. “Mm! You’re right, it’s good.”

Caleb could not be happier.

**

_Caleb! I’m in the guardhouse and I’ve gotten to the door! Let me know when you’re about to ring the giant bell! I’ve got the boom sticks ready to light! Youcanreplytothismessage._

_Nott, we will be another ten minutes before the main course is done. Around then someone will probably ask me to go ring it._

“You seem distracted, darling.”

“No, dearest.” Caleb reaches over and pinches Molly’s cheek gently. “How could I pay attention to anything but you?”

“Gods know.” Molly glances down at Caleb’s fingers, like he’s considering a quick nibble.

An awkward man with daisies around his wrists holds a bottle to Molly’s left. “Your glass, sir?”

“Ah! Yes, please. Wait!” Molly holds up a hand, clearing his throat dramatically. “Yes,  _bitte_.”

The man nods stiffly and pours the red wine. Molly’s fangs glimmer in the torchlight.


	3. Chapter 3

“How do you say ‘delicious’?”

“Lecker.”

“Oh, that sounds  _filthy._ ”

Caleb shoots him an amused look, shaking his head. Molly continues eating his drumstick in the most lascivious way possible, unapologetic, until Caleb has to turn his head to keep from laughing. After a moment he hails down a young boy with an empty tray.

“What’s your name, young man?”

“Simon,” the boy says, gap-toothed and unsure why he’s being spoken to. Caleb gives him a warm smile.

“Simon, nice to meet you. Here’s a gold piece, please go to the kitchens and find me some more of those forget-me-not bracelets, the same size you have.”

Simon nods and turns, then stops and turns back. “They won’t fit you, sir.” He looks past Caleb’s shoulder at Molly, who’s stopped being deeply inappropriate with his food in order to wave. “Or him.”

“Good observation.” Caleb leans in conspiratorially. “But they will still fit on his horns, and I think that will look very pretty and very silly, don’t you?”

Simon stifles a giggle, nodding and disappearing into the throng of revelers.

**

When Simon comes back five minutes later, he gets to place all six bracelets himself, three on each horn, as Molly slouches in his chair to allow the boy to reach. Both men compliment the stunning work.

**

Molly teaches Caleb how to link arms while drinking from their champagne flutes. Caleb declares it to be one of the stupidest and most fun things he has ever done.

**

“I’m drunk and beautiful,” Molly declares as he leans his cheek on Caleb’s shoulder. “This is the best mission.”

“You’re  _always_  beautiful,” Caleb informs him with great seriousness, patting the small garden that’s accumulated on the tiefling’s head.

Molly hums in agreement, looking up and out at the crowd. “That boy was so sweet,” he says. “Remember Kiri?”

“Of  _course_.”

Molly holds Caleb’s hand gently. “Cay, let’s have another child.”

Caleb chokes on his wine.

“I’m not going to be young  _forever_ , darling.”

Caleb sets his glass down. “But, um, darling.”

“I know, I know, it’s a risk to my figure, but-” Molly loses his straight face as Caleb bursts out in laughter.

“After-” Caleb snorts. “After laying that first egg, you bounced right back…”

“Yes, the egg!” Molly nods and cuddles in closer, shaking with laughter. “We’re incredible parents, Cay, we should have a whole  _flock_.”

**

“You really are attractive,” Caleb informs him a few minutes later, nose buried in what he’s pretty sure is a peony. “The rest is a joke, but that part, that is not a lie.”

“You look great too,” Molly says. “I’m so glad I made them dye your eyebrows too.”

“Hn?”

“Your eyebrows. If you had dark brown hair and red blond eyebrows, it would look like you didn’t have any eyebrows at all.” Molly tilts his head and swipes his thumb gently across Caleb’s brow, smiling victoriously when Caleb flushes a little.

“Sir,” a voice says at Caleb’s other shoulder, and he jumps and turns and focuses blearily to see an older woman wearing tulips. “Sorry, sir.”

Caleb, even tipsy, can see that this lady is on what he and Molly have jokingly been calling Team Prince. Team Prince has been growing among the help and the outer ring of villagers ever since they noticed that Caleb and his fop boyfriend have been  _thanking staff_ and  _requesting things instead of demanding them_  and  _slipping children money_  and  _not smacking any asses that come in range._  It is so easy to be a good person when you are rich, Caleb thinks to himself. “Ja, hallo?”

“Sorry to bother, but we have cleared the dishes for the main courses.”

“It was d’licious,” Molly interrupts, and then his eyes widen and he sits straighter in his chair. “ _Lecker_ ,” he corrects himself.

The woman’s mouth twitches upward and she nods modestly. “Danke schoen. Ah. Since we have finished the main course, sir, perhaps you would like to speak and ring the bell?”

Caleb leans back a little and bites his lip. “Any chance I could just ring the bell?”

“Everyone is very hopeful that you will speak.”

_That_  sounds interesting. Caleb turns and shares a look with Molly, whose eyes are gleaming ruby, and is nodding several times at several slightly different angles. “Ja, then, of course, if you would like me to.” Caleb gestures to his constantly-refilled glasses and the little crumbs around his fresh plate. “It is the least I can do. Everyone here has been… extremely hospitable…”

“You’ll do lovely, darling.” Molly pats his leg and looks over to the server. “He’s always been a fabulous public speaker.”

“He flatters me,” Caleb confides to the her, making a bit of a show of getting to his feet slowly.  _Nott, are you ready?_

_Caleb! Yes! I’ve got the flint right here. Youcanreplytothismessage._

_I’m going to say some fun upsetting things and then I will send to you, ‘Now’._

_Ready and waiting!_

Caleb totters into the center ring, between the bell and the little baskets of fruit, and people begin settling down before he even puts his hand up for attention. There is an extremely mixed assortment of faces turned to him - some are bright and happy, some are suppressing faint disgust, and others, who remind him somewhat of how Molly gets at times, have the calculated faint interest of someone who cannot wait to gossip about this later.

“Meine Damen und Herren,” Caleb opens, reaching out to one of the ornately decorated pillars to lean a hand against to stop his fake swaying. “Everyone here looks so beautiful, so happy. So full of schnitzel! Götter, everyone, please give a brief applause for the kitchens, they have outdone themselves.”

The reaction to this is extremely mixed, some happy to hoot and clap for their relatives, others clearly feeling that such a display of appreciation is extremely middle class.

“And my compliments to whoever made the spiced wine, because my dear friend and I-” Caleb suppresses a very heartfelt snort when he gestures over to Molly, who is waving as perkily as possible. “-have been enjoying it, perhaps a bit too much? It warms the bones, the cockles of one’s heart. Delicious. Everything. And the musicians!”

Complimenting artists is slightly less divisive, and the applause this time is less reluctant from the inner ring. Caleb beams.

“Let us remember that this celebration is as ancient as this village, as the communities that have held together to keep us going. It has always been about good seasons and camaraderie, and appreciating  _hard work_  and  _good bounty_. The baskets of fruits represent our farmers, the little carved animals are our livestock, the… did anyone else have a favorite? I always quite liked my fat cow as a child.” Caleb grins as the crowd laughs at this. “I did! It was painted bright green. I’m not sure what the bright colors represent, maybe that’s with the flowers, the spring. Anyway, none of us rich folk deserve you lot. You’re the reason this village survives. You’re the reason any village survives.”

_Now, Nott._

“Prost,” Caleb cheers, and grabs the rope. People cheer and raise their glasses, some markedly quieter than others. Caleb throws his arm back and forth, ringing the bell as loudly as possible. Children laugh and cover their ears, adults applaud, and two buildings southeast of him, a metal door is blown to pieces by what turns out to be slightly more dynamite than was strictly necessary. Caleb continues ringing the bell a little longer, just in case, enjoying the loud echoing drone that carries on until a nervous looking man in lilacs runs over and lays both palms on it to stop the vibrations.

“Beautiful!” Molly is enthusing as Caleb returns to his seat. “Eloquent! Perfect words for a perfect night!”

“Danke, I think I did alright.”

_Caleb! We’re getting everything now! Did anyone hear us? Did your bell thing work? Youcanreplytothismessage._

Caleb glances around, smiling equally at the people giving him little clapping mimes from afar and those who look like they wish he would be swallowed up by the earth.  _Everything is fine here, Nott. But be careful just in case. Get out quick._

_We shouldn’t be much longer. Keep relaxing over there! You deserve the break. Send me a message if anything comes up._

_Will do._

“My man does  _speeches_ ,” Molly is bragging to nobody in particular. “He’s going into  _politics._ ” He tosses his hair a little. Caleb snorts and smacks him lightly on the arm. “Hey! Excuse me for being proud of you.”

“You’re right, you’re right.” Caleb leans in and gives him a very light peck on his cheekbone. “I should be grateful to have a supportive partner.”

Molly’s cheeks are tinged heather as he bats his lashes. “If you’re so grateful, are you finally going to make an honest tiefling out of me?”

“Don’t rush royalty, Schatz. We do things at our own pace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at this beautiful accompanying art by [caitercates](http://caitercates.tumblr.com/post/177529654275/an-art-trade-for-the-most-amazing-ivadeshin) on tumblr! Click the link to see the full size (and compliment her amazing work)!


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